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when all else fails, i turn to gloria

note: as life would have it, i found myself with gloria this morning. inspired by much of what i write below, in a blog post that i JUST NOW rediscovered in my draft box from September 2019. how magical in its poignancy and timing.

written by my september 2019 self (and offered by my march 3, 2022 self):

The rumbling in my gut, in my deep-down soul, lets me know that there is new life coming.

From within me.

I know this feeling. I’ve learned to love/hate it. Even after all this time, there is still some flailing. Until I can finally relax into my darkness.

The rain helps, granting quiet and cleansing and a soft, tender rhythm that is an old lullaby.

First though, I find misery. My mind races. My body tightens. My heart hurts. I feel stuck in self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy, failure. Not good enough. Not doing enough. Falling short.

Hello darkness, my old friend.

Bless my heart.

In times like these, I turn to my girl, Gloria. I’ve been in love with her for thirty years. She helps me see in new ways. Always. She never gets old. She is always relevant. She is always there. My teacher.

A game we play is pick-a-page. I pick up one of her books, open the book randomly to a page and dive in for some Gloria-style wisdom. She never disappoints. This time, I chose Light From Darkness.

She offered:

“And in descending to the depths I realize that down is up, and I rise up from and into the deep. And once again I recognize that the internal tension of oppositions can propel (if it doesn’t tear apart) the mestiza writer out of the metate where she is being ground with corn and water, eject her out of nahual, an agent of transformation, able to modify and shape primordial energy and therefore able to change herself and others into turkey, coyote, tree, or human.”

My old friend reminds me to trust my Self. Follow my Self into the darkness and depths and trust that falling will lead me back to where I belong.

Back to my Self. I always find my way.

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