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the mama’s heart

home, the morning after returning from co-hosting Feminine Wisdom retreat as much in the inner home swirls and finds it new arrangement, the external home does so, too.

so much big life stuff: Kate returns from New Hampshire weeks of being in her joy, coming home to face Hannah’s absence and Bo’s presence. Thomas going to college today, moving out this afternoon with excitement and loads of energy for this next step and life change. Michael, welcoming his teachers and staff today in his new role as principal at Reading. our land, now under contract with the seeds of our closely held vision sprouting. our grief for Hannah rising up in yet another wave as our family passes through this threshold: Meg sharing her dreams of her; Thomas expressing how much he wishes she was here to see him off, as she did for him when he began pre-school. and me, aware of all of it. my mama’s heart so full, breaking open as it does.

calling on the mothers and Great Mother for support. last night, as I lay waiting for sleep that never really came, i invoked them. be with me. show me. hold me.

i felt my grandmother near me like i did as a child when i’d sleep with her. her smell of baby powder, her hair net, her long, flannel nightgown and her snoring. we’d giggle and giggle at her “cutting logs” all night. i lay there, feeling the comfort of her presence, the embrace of her grandmothering. it had been so long since that memory sensation of her had been with me like this. and Hannah. my grief for her swelling up and drawing me to her, feeling her close and showing me: here’s how you take and hold it all. here’s how you remain present, each moment drinking in all of reality with love. the good, the bad, the ugly dissolving in and through love into love. all of life fermenting us, growing us. raising us.

She is raising us.

I am raising us.

We are rising.

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