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re-source

a week ago i slipped away for a few quiet days in nature with my family. we found a new-to-us-place tucked in between huge stone formations in the hills of kentucky, near a lake. it was beautiful and remote…

and needed.

isn’t it always? i think of the days and weeks leading up to that time away and how much the anticipation of it meant to our sanity. my sanity.

a question i’ve been living into for a while now is “what do i choose to resource now?” i’ve appreciated this question as it positions me in my choice and invites me to think about all the resources available to me: time, energy/attention, money.

it occurred to me in those days leading up to our time away that i am a resource, when i make that choice. i show up with presence and power. and this insight helped me as i prepared to step away from the day-to-day busyness for a bit, understanding that to be a resource, rest and restoration mattered. (cue audre lorde here).

and…damn, i struggled with letting go of stuff. it was ridiculous how hard it was to relax. i was sort of screaming to myself, “you goin’ to relax. have fun, dammit!”. why does that never work?

that first day, i had a very vivid dream of a grandmother with a continuous message of “re-source“. her voice was provocative and commanding, simply repeating that word over and over: “re-source”. and the message i got was that resource is to “re-source”, the pre-fix “re-” meaning “to turn back” to “source”.

i’ve carried this mantra with me this week, paying attention to every signal to turn back to source. anger, grief, joy, wonder have all served as signals, calling me back to source so that i can show up with presence and power, as a resource.

anger was a friend that visited a lot this week. she showed up as fire in my belly and a race in my heart. i wanted to act out, throw up the deuces, hang up the phone, walk out, rage at the machine. and instead of reacting from that place, i turned to feel the grief and longing underneath? and then i did what i could to meet that need + longing, mostly simply acknowledging the feeling.

this practice drew me closer to divine source. and when i was there–in that presence and power–everything shifted. conversations dropped deeper, reactions slowed to responses, truth came in.

one of my favorite quotes (by howard thurman) comes to mind: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

in the practice of re-sourcing, everything comes alive.

what a gift this week, in the midst of what can so easily feel like such senseless death and destruction–to find and experience such life and creation, to find Source.

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